Boys

I know that I am supposed to be studying when SPM is so near than to spend my time here, but I just couldn't appease myself to study or sleep when I have so much thoughts running through my mind right now. I was having a furious conversation with myself while bathing just now and all I need now is to express all of my random thoughts or feelings for me to stop thinking. Well, I have this really strange habit imagining there are friends around listening to me or even answering or giving me advice with my problems whenever I'm alone, usually in the bathroom of course. Freaky, I know.

I am actually really tired right now because my brother was using the lappie for the whole night but I couldn't think of a better time to blog than now. Oh and realizing that I'd mentioned that I will be updating my blog more often recently, well no I'm sorry, I couldn't yet. I'll just come whenever I'm free or I feel like to, like now exactly. 

From the title above, this has nothing to do with love but friendship, not much to do with boys actually but.. You'll see. I'm being really agitate here so bear with me.

You know, I really used to think that boys have lesser drama than girls and that they have much simpler thoughts, well not anymore. I used to think that there isn't any backstabbing or gossiping or cold wars between them but no, some just like to make things much more complicated than it seems like. I start having these thought since 2 years back of course. When 'that' happened, the drama I had mentioned on my oldest post I guess. I lose all trust within them honestly. I mean of course I still trust them, I still care for them, but there's certain things I'll doubt like the way they deal with friendship, the way they judge about someone else. Who knows man, you did the same to me 2 years back, it would probably happen all over again.

There's one thing that's really bothering me. Whenever any boy said things like: 'It's not fair that girls get to cry and that boys have to please them and make them feel happy.' or things like: 'Boys have to be very careful of their words while talking with girls'. Saying things like these doesn't prove that you're a generous gentleman or whatsoever, to me I mean, you're indirectly telling me that you're despising me or not even taking me as a friend. I mean who the hell need you to please me. We're like really really really good friends and woah you have to treat me as a girl and be careful of what you're trying to say? I know how easily I cry but do you know how the hell I feel when you're not trying to be honest with me just because of all the fucked up reasons? Fuck, why in the world would anyone thought that way seriously. I just got all fired up by thinking old fucked up stuffs like these. I don't want to! So yes I'm just gonna write everything up here so I could forget this fucked up situation and I would never have to repeat or remember about this anymore. 

Oh and few months ago I guess, someone reminded me something that's also really, frustrating. He has this thought that people who'd never been in a relationship are not qualified to advice anyone on their relationship. Now, your relationship or whatsoever has really nothing to do with me but your fucking feelings make a big deal to me. I'm not trying to advice anyone of their love life and stuffs I don't fucking give a shit but if you're not happy and if it's better that way then why the fuck do you have to hold on? I'm not gonna just look at my friend crying and me, not giving any fucking fuck. It's funny how people actually think that people who had never been in a relationship had never experience heartbreak. We know how it feels too. Who are you then, you know how I feel?

I get really agitated on things like this. Anything about friends losing trust and so on. Friends are friends, there's nothing to do with sex, race, height, size, intelligence, nothing. It's all about trust and love. I realize that I never actually mention these to them when it had already ran through my mind for a million times. I mean how do you expect me to mention it all of a sudden when everything seems fine now? It had been 2 years seriously. So many things had happened in between. Dramas repeated over and over again. 

Whenever I said things like why the hell are you making things so complicated? They will be like, girls know nothing. What the fuck exactly. Humans are humans you know, everybody has different personalities, no matter you're black or white, female or male, we are all different. There are wise boys, there are wise girls, there are naive boys, there are naive girls; It actually means that there are wise and naive humans. 

I might actually get things wrong. I mean there might be some misunderstanding in between because no one actually did tell me anything in my face about these, non of them. I got all the information a little by here and a little by there. That's the main fucking reason I'm getting mad of, no seriously, I'm raging. God knows how close we used to be, like really really really really really really close. It isn't really that bad now, I mean at least we do talk and hang out sometimes. But seriously, see what's going on now. Of course I know no one wants this to happen but it did. There's nobody to blame, of course, I know. 

But to me, I don't know about anyone else but to me, I'll be so happy if you actually throw shit on my face than behind, at least you get to know what am I thinking but how could I even have the chance to explain if it's from behind. Please realize that backstabbing is one of the reason a friendship ends. I have no idea why I actually care so much about craps like these but I did, I wanted to let go and make an end to this but I can't. No matter what happens, you will always have a friend in me. I'd made a promise, and I'll remember for the rest of my life.

Okay shit. I'm going hiking on 730 tomorrow morning. 4 more hours left for me to sleep. Didn't know I'd took so much time. Thanks for reading ciao! xx.