A post for Jacqueline.

This is a post for you Jac, a letter for you. It has been more than a month now since you were gone and almost 2 months since we last met. I have been wanting to post about this but I wasn't ready and had been pretty busy lately. These are the things that I never had the chance to say to you before you left us, and also things I would like to say to you after.

I have so much to say, but I don't know where to start and what to say.

It was on 8.35pm of the 27th that I got the news. I couldn't believe it and I didn't want to. I didn't know what to do after. I was so lost. I didn't cry, I kept telling myself that this is all a twisted joke, a joke brought too far. I locked myself in my room, trying to stop myself from thinking. I didn't want to let my family know, I didn't want them to be worry. It was only a few days before that me and my family were talking about your adventure. I know that as much as I want to believe it was a joke, it wasn't. I know I was deceiving myself, but there was nothing I could do but to pray it wasn't true. I did cry a few minutes later. I wasn't that strong after all. I got a few phone calls, and Sam came over, but it still didn't seem true. We cried a lot, half believing, and still, half doubting. I cried to bed, but it wasn't hard sleeping. The tough part is when the morning comes.

It is the morning after that I was in dread. I woke up to many text messages asking if I was fine. I was thankful for that but it was agonising. It made me realised that it wasn't a dream. You're gone, permanently. It was like that for the whole week. Waking up was the most painful part of the day, not going to bed. I thought for a few times that I wouldn't make it through, that I'm better off dead, but I immediately let that slip off my head. I was thankful that all my friends kept me accompany throughout the days though. Plus, we were busy going to your house and preparing the slides for your funeral with Jacky the next day. We also had to prepare eulogy and I have also classes to attend to. I wasn't sure if I kept myself busy intentionally or I really was but it really did kept my mind off negative stuffs for awhile.

I guess the more agonising parts were when your family collapsed in front of us. To see your family crying and grieving over you, to see your maid being so sad, to be hugging them and crying over and over again, it was devastating. I, too collapsed a few times. In college, at your house, at my house. It was very scary being alone at that phase. It was very hard to get my mind off you when I was alone, even in the public actually. Although I did tried to stay strong and hold my tears in at your service and funeral but it wasn't long till I lose it. I didn't want to cry because it was your day, I wanted you to see us being strong, but I just wasn't strong enough.

I know that it is okay to be sad, and yes, it is okay to cry. But not when everyone is around, not when the people around you are all emotional and will be easily affected by your tears. A few weeks after your funeral, during valentines day, and also xindee's birthday, we had a party. I got emotional and I thought of you. I tried drinking to stop myself from thinking but it made me think more. I wasn't sure if it was me but the atmosphere was getting quiet and sad that made the situation worse off. I started crying and all I know was that I cried a lot, some of them started crying along and I don't remember the rest of it.

After your funeral Jac, I never once cried. I was very positive, happy, I was very motivated and everyday was very productive. I believed I was stronger because I didn't cry over very sad stories, movies or books anymore. I started handling things with a nonchalant attitude. I was fine and I know that I will be. I just didn't know what hit me the other day that made me collapsed, I didn't even drink anything before I cry. It was just that, I thought of you all of a sudden and it was events like that when your laughter fills up the whole place and whenever I'm feeling a little moody, it is always you that made me forget about everything and knowing that you'll never be there with us again and that you're never going to cheer me up again, hurts.

I still want to travel to Gold Coast with you this June. I want to visit you and Xindee in the United State this year end for Christmas. I want you to come over to UK when I'm studying there. I want you to be here till the day I have a boyfriend. I want you to be my bridesmaid, and I want to be yours. I want our children to be friends. I want us to be playing mah-jong in the future when our kids are playing together. I want to watch many more horror movies with you. I want to go to many more cafes with you. I want to travel the world with you, and the list goes on.

I know that this is all God's plan Jac, that He has a better plan for you. I know that you're happy and you want us all to be happy. I know that you're gone forever and there's nothing I can do about it. I know that crying doesn't help. But you have contributed so much in my happiness Jac, you've brought joy upon us, and now, I'm just sad. I'm happy however, generally, I am. Believe me Jac, I still believe that I'm strong. I will not let sadness overwhelm me. I know that life goes on, so yes, I'm moving forward and that I'm fine. I promise you that I'll be fine no matter what. As much as I want you to be by my side till the very end, to grow old old with me, as much as I miss you, as much as I hope you're still here, I want you to be happy. So as long as you're safe in heaven, and that you're happy, I'm happy.

Jac, I miss you. I really want you to know that you'll forever be remembered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the eulogy I prepared for her:

For those of you who do not know me, my name is Harn Hwei and I am one of Jacqueline’s best friends. It is with great sadness that I stand in front of you today to celebrate the life of my friend. Jacqueline’s life was taken away from us too soon and it is hard to understand why tragic things like this happen to such good people. However, this is a question without an answer and we should not dwell on the loss of our dear friend, daughter, and sister. Today, let’s celebrate her life and remember all the remarkable things Jacqueline accomplished and how wonderful her life was.

Jacqueline and I met in high school but we didn’t became close friend immediately though I was always infected by her infectious laugh. I guess the first time I had a real conversation with her is when the both of us went to get our driving license together. We bonded instantly, there is not a pause throughout the conversation. She told me of all her insecurities, how she really wants a boyfriend, how she wants to travel the world and explore the world. Jacqueline was a girl with wild dreams, big goals, very passionate, adventurous, and very very spontaneous. She was always so excited when we talked about road trips and she’s up to almost everything. That’s when I realised we had a lot in common, and maybe one day we could achieve all these together.

We get closer to each other as the day passed and we became close friends eventually. I love her a lot. I always love hanging out with her, being around her. I love how she always says she loves me in the middle of a conversation. She loved Nutella, and she loved watching horror movies, there was once we went to watch horror movies in the cinema for 3 days straight, though she usually uses her shawl to cover up her eyes for almost every scare scenes. She loved her family a lot and that includes every member of the house which includes Vincci, her pet dog. She loved her relatives, and she loved her friends. She was always very generous in buying presents for her family and friends. She was thoughtful, caring, funny, she was like an angel sent from heaven to spread happiness among us all. She always made me forget of every unhappy things for a while.  

One of Jacqueline’s best traits was that she always lived her life to the fullest and loved to laugh and smile. We had a lot of plans together. Travelling to Gold Coast in the middle of June before she and Xin Dee continue their studies in the United States. And that I’ll meet them there this year end to celebrate Christmas together and they’ll come to visit me in the United Kingdom few years after.

 

It was incredibly sad that Jacqueline’s life ended so soon and I cannot put into words how much I will miss her. I’m really glad to have known her, and I really want her to be by my side for the rest of my life. I couldn’t imagine what it will be like in the future without her cheerful presence. I even collapsed a few times thinking that I could never be truly happy again. But Jacqueline is a positive person and she would not want us to be sad today. I’d like to believe that she’s safe in heaven, and she’s safe with Him. I’d like to believe that there is a reason why she left us, that there is a greater plan ahead that we might not understand. It isn’t possible to put into words the importance of our friendship, how much I valued her and how much Jacqueline meant to me. She positively influenced my life in so many ways and I will miss her with all my heart. Jacqueline, thank you for your friendship, I will miss you forever and never forget all the times we spent together. Till we meet again.