Just came back from my regular jog, sitting on the chair at my balcony again, with my headphone on and my favourite song replaying, feeling the not so fresh breeze, but it don't feel the same today. I'm not so sure why. I get tired very easily today. I got tired just by running 1km of the track, I definitely don't feel like moving at all today. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with this morning.
I skipped school this morning. Was planning to follow my dad's car to school cause I had a lunch date. Dad wanted to visit grandma forawhile and so I went along with him after getting ready. My grandma is living just 2 floors above me. I don't visit her often, unless my dad asked me to. I really like her because she likes me a lot. It's just, I wouldn't know what to say or do if I went there alone.
I was really surprised when I saw my grandma looking so skinny already. She was sitting on her bed looking on the floor. I went to say hi mama. She asked if I'm still studying. I was stunt to know that her memory isn't that functionable already. She told me to study harder. She said she's feeling really bad, she couldn't breath properly, she's in pain. She said that the doctor didn't give her any medicine, which means that there isn't anymore medicine to cure her sickness. She said being old is troublesome. She said she's useless, she's a liability, she has not much time left, she's leaving. I really hate to see her being like this.
She then told me to go to school, don't waste my time here. She didn't know I skipped school today. She said I'm a really good girl, a really hardworking girl. My tears were struggling from dropping. She kept on repeating that she's leaving already and kept on reminding me to study harder. The guilt in my heart is undescribable. I couldn't accept the fact that she's this old already. I couldn't accept the fact that she's leaving already. It reminds me that I'm a useless grand daughter. I never did anything to repay her effort. I never did anything to make her happy. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know that it's not too late yet, but I really don't know what can I do now.
I feel like crying, but I can't. I feel like laughing, but I can't neither. I'm really tired for now. There is so much more I can say. But not now. I would like to write a thousand paragraphs, but not now. I have no mood to do anything. I can only say that I'm really guilty now. I couldn't afford to disappoint anyone.
