Grateful

Hello, everyone! I'm back from war. If you want to know how well (or rather how bad) I did for my exam, I don't know. No, really. Sometimes when I think I did pretty well, my result turned out to be pretty bad and sometimes when I think I did bad, it turned out much better than what I was expecting. So yeah, I don't know. But all these don't matter anymore because I am done with my exam and it's good-very-bye to A Levels! Okay, not exactly, until I get my result actually but let's not be pessimistic about this. What important is, I have now 3 months of free-time until my degree is starting so yay!

My point today isn't about my A Level's adventure. I'll save this topic for the day I'm getting my results, if, I have the mood of course.

I've been wanting to post this for quite some time now, since my birthday, but I never had the chance. Come to think of it, so far, I actually have lesser time for myself after exam than before or even during. I'm not complaining, but people are expecting me to be really free after exams and passing me all the duties plus, combining with all the plans I have initially, I don't have much free time left. Though, it was really nice meeting up with so many friends that I haven't seen in awhile.

I'll be flying to Taiwan on Wednesday and will be staying there for 7 days so I couldn't think of a better time to blog than now. Otherwise, I'll have to wait till I'm back, which, by the time I'll have more things to blog about and forget entirely about this topic. I have like, a lot of topics in my mind recently so, I guess I'll have to let this go tonight.

As you may or may not know, I turned 19 on the 1st of June this year and for some reason, I felt really really good about it this year. No, it wasn't the best surprise among all the other years, and the celebrations weren't the best I ever had but I think that it was the best birthday ever and it was the best few days of my life. I'm not saying that the celebrations and surprises weren't amazing, they definitely were. Just, comparing to the other years, I'm pretty sure this year's isn't the best, but, the other years didn't give me the feeling I have this year. The other years always made me feel a little, off.

Birthdays to me are amazing, and I used to think they were very important. I used to have expectations and when I don't get what I was expecting, I feel sad. Eventhough it seems to me now that it was an amazing celebration. I used to be sad if, for instance, my friends threw a party for me and everyone had a holy good time but if one or few of my good friends (at least I think so) didn't show up or even wish me, the whole celebration just doesn't seem good enough anymore. Well, this was what I used to think. I don't anymore of course. I can't be expecting everyone to remember my birthday when I do forget some and that it wouldn't be fair to all the amazing people who made efforts making me happy. I guess, it is also a chance to know who really are our closer friends.

The thing about this year is, it doesn't feel off, it feels perfect, just right. I'm not sure if it was just me, if I have become more grateful than I used to be or that everyone around me has become more amazing. I was reading all the birthday wishes around 4am and silently tearing on my bed. Partly it's because my friends have amazing writing skills but also, I was really really glad and blessed to know that there are people who care for me out there, people who notice the little things, people who will do so much for me. Cause all I need is to know that when I'm on my knees, someone is going to pull me up and help me stand.

It's really nice to be reminded of all the fond memories with everyone, of all the crazy and happy times. It's really nice to have friends who have been through so much with you, who have stood by you for so many years through thick and thin and is still standing there. It's really nice to know that you have friends that would be there for you whenever you need them, that would do anything to turn that frown upside down. I can write a whole essay about friends (and maybe I will) because only God knows how much I truly appreciate every friendship I have with my friends. Not just old ones, each and everyone of them.

Maybe partly it was because of Jacqueline that made us all grow and learn to appreciate everyone and everything more. Or partly is because we're growing up and we're losing things around us so we have learnt to be more grateful. But I really am grateful for all the people who have ever been a part of my life, my family, my friends, strangers, assholes, everyone, thank you. I am blessed, and I have God to thank for. I know I don't deserve all these so I'm thankful, and I'm really happy.

I did not write all these to brag about how blessed I am and how amazing my friends are. This post is for them. It's for all of you guys who have ever turned my frown upside down, who have ever wipe my tears away from my cheek, who have ever lend me a shoulder to lean on, who have ever made the effort to cheer me up, who have ever stayed up late chatting with me, who have ever did something crazy with me, and the list goes on. For who I am today, I have you guys to thank for. I just want you guys to know that I am willing to do whatever you guys are willing to do for me too. And that I remember (hopefully) every single second I spent with you guys and I will never take you guys for granted. I appreciate every single gesture you guys made, truly, and sincerely. I can never thank you guys enough.

Much love to everyone of you, xx

Motivation

I am not supposed to be wasting my time here right now. I have a trial paper in less than 2 days and I have so much to read up with so little time left but I'm just really not in the mood to study right now.  So I decided to come here and spend a little time writing (typing) something to motivate myself and remind myself of how badly I want to be successful in life. I'll try making this short.

No, this trial exam doesn't determine my future, neither will the actual exam. All I need is to get 2 passes to enter my degree and so really, this exam doesn't really matter to me at all. But I think having the right attitude and discipline is really important. In 18 years and 10 months of my life, I feel like I never really did give my all in studying. Which, actually is, the most important aspect. I'm not saying that the other aspects aren't important. It definitely is, it's important to learn to work in a team, to learn to be a leader, to learn to speak in front of thousands, but never forget about education.

I like learning, acquiring new knowledge, about anything at all, though some things really do bore me, but in general, I like learning. Though, I never like exam. (I doubt anyone does) Mainly because I'm a procrastinator, and my self-discipline level is 1, or less than that. I'm the kind of person that, if I know that there's exam next week, it makes me feel like I have more reason to enjoy the time I have for these 3-4 days and put my all in the remaining days. But in the remaining days, I'll get distracted by other things and procrastinate anyway. I tried being the kind that revise and studies a little everyday so I have plenty of time to study whatever I want and not just the 'important' parts. But it's really hard to stay consistent. Therefore, I'm back to my initial point, attitude and discipline is important.

My goal for the next few years will be to be excel in my studies, like maybe getting a scholarship, getting an offer to one of the top universities, which could really help my parents lessen their burden and also help my future. I want to be successful in life. I want to be rich enough to help, to fight, and do the right thing. It's useless to have the right mindset, to have the right attitude, to have the most generous heart, to be the kindest in the world, but have no power, no money, no energy, no capability, to even help yourself, not to say the people around you, your country, the world.

I know that all these are just words, because I might not achieve what I thought I would, and all these might just be crap in the end. People tend to overestimate themselves, and have bigger dreams than what they're capable of. It's true. And I doubt myself sometimes, and think that my dreams are maybe a little too far from where I am, and unlikely feasible. Then I'll tell myself that maybe it's time to wake up and get real. But frankly, those thoughts are bullshit.

One's capability is limitless. Human grows. If you're not strong enough, train. If you're not smart enough, study. If it doesn't work, try again. If it still doesn't work, find an alternative. There's always a way, there's always a solution. Nothing really is impossible. I'm sure you've seen people achieving something you've never once thought they will. You've came across miracle. You've seen people making the impossible, possible. You might think that those are the few people that got lucky and what are the chances it'll be you. I'm not going to lie to you and say that if you try you'll definitely make it, because there are people who've not achieve their goal no matter how hard or how many times they tried. But think about it, by putting in effort, giving your all, or just trying, it gives you at least a certain percentage of succeeding, By thinking that it will never be you, and not putting any effort at all, the chance of succeeding is zero.

People are going to laugh at you, judge you, but words won't kill you if you don't let them. There's really nothing to lose. Do what you really want to do, do what you think you could do, do what you think is right to do. Live a life you won't regret. Give all you have, so at least, at the end of the day, you know you tried.




 

A post for Jacqueline.

This is a post for you Jac, a letter for you. It has been more than a month now since you were gone and almost 2 months since we last met. I have been wanting to post about this but I wasn't ready and had been pretty busy lately. These are the things that I never had the chance to say to you before you left us, and also things I would like to say to you after.

I have so much to say, but I don't know where to start and what to say.

It was on 8.35pm of the 27th that I got the news. I couldn't believe it and I didn't want to. I didn't know what to do after. I was so lost. I didn't cry, I kept telling myself that this is all a twisted joke, a joke brought too far. I locked myself in my room, trying to stop myself from thinking. I didn't want to let my family know, I didn't want them to be worry. It was only a few days before that me and my family were talking about your adventure. I know that as much as I want to believe it was a joke, it wasn't. I know I was deceiving myself, but there was nothing I could do but to pray it wasn't true. I did cry a few minutes later. I wasn't that strong after all. I got a few phone calls, and Sam came over, but it still didn't seem true. We cried a lot, half believing, and still, half doubting. I cried to bed, but it wasn't hard sleeping. The tough part is when the morning comes.

It is the morning after that I was in dread. I woke up to many text messages asking if I was fine. I was thankful for that but it was agonising. It made me realised that it wasn't a dream. You're gone, permanently. It was like that for the whole week. Waking up was the most painful part of the day, not going to bed. I thought for a few times that I wouldn't make it through, that I'm better off dead, but I immediately let that slip off my head. I was thankful that all my friends kept me accompany throughout the days though. Plus, we were busy going to your house and preparing the slides for your funeral with Jacky the next day. We also had to prepare eulogy and I have also classes to attend to. I wasn't sure if I kept myself busy intentionally or I really was but it really did kept my mind off negative stuffs for awhile.

I guess the more agonising parts were when your family collapsed in front of us. To see your family crying and grieving over you, to see your maid being so sad, to be hugging them and crying over and over again, it was devastating. I, too collapsed a few times. In college, at your house, at my house. It was very scary being alone at that phase. It was very hard to get my mind off you when I was alone, even in the public actually. Although I did tried to stay strong and hold my tears in at your service and funeral but it wasn't long till I lose it. I didn't want to cry because it was your day, I wanted you to see us being strong, but I just wasn't strong enough.

I know that it is okay to be sad, and yes, it is okay to cry. But not when everyone is around, not when the people around you are all emotional and will be easily affected by your tears. A few weeks after your funeral, during valentines day, and also xindee's birthday, we had a party. I got emotional and I thought of you. I tried drinking to stop myself from thinking but it made me think more. I wasn't sure if it was me but the atmosphere was getting quiet and sad that made the situation worse off. I started crying and all I know was that I cried a lot, some of them started crying along and I don't remember the rest of it.

After your funeral Jac, I never once cried. I was very positive, happy, I was very motivated and everyday was very productive. I believed I was stronger because I didn't cry over very sad stories, movies or books anymore. I started handling things with a nonchalant attitude. I was fine and I know that I will be. I just didn't know what hit me the other day that made me collapsed, I didn't even drink anything before I cry. It was just that, I thought of you all of a sudden and it was events like that when your laughter fills up the whole place and whenever I'm feeling a little moody, it is always you that made me forget about everything and knowing that you'll never be there with us again and that you're never going to cheer me up again, hurts.

I still want to travel to Gold Coast with you this June. I want to visit you and Xindee in the United State this year end for Christmas. I want you to come over to UK when I'm studying there. I want you to be here till the day I have a boyfriend. I want you to be my bridesmaid, and I want to be yours. I want our children to be friends. I want us to be playing mah-jong in the future when our kids are playing together. I want to watch many more horror movies with you. I want to go to many more cafes with you. I want to travel the world with you, and the list goes on.

I know that this is all God's plan Jac, that He has a better plan for you. I know that you're happy and you want us all to be happy. I know that you're gone forever and there's nothing I can do about it. I know that crying doesn't help. But you have contributed so much in my happiness Jac, you've brought joy upon us, and now, I'm just sad. I'm happy however, generally, I am. Believe me Jac, I still believe that I'm strong. I will not let sadness overwhelm me. I know that life goes on, so yes, I'm moving forward and that I'm fine. I promise you that I'll be fine no matter what. As much as I want you to be by my side till the very end, to grow old old with me, as much as I miss you, as much as I hope you're still here, I want you to be happy. So as long as you're safe in heaven, and that you're happy, I'm happy.

Jac, I miss you. I really want you to know that you'll forever be remembered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the eulogy I prepared for her:

For those of you who do not know me, my name is Harn Hwei and I am one of Jacqueline’s best friends. It is with great sadness that I stand in front of you today to celebrate the life of my friend. Jacqueline’s life was taken away from us too soon and it is hard to understand why tragic things like this happen to such good people. However, this is a question without an answer and we should not dwell on the loss of our dear friend, daughter, and sister. Today, let’s celebrate her life and remember all the remarkable things Jacqueline accomplished and how wonderful her life was.

Jacqueline and I met in high school but we didn’t became close friend immediately though I was always infected by her infectious laugh. I guess the first time I had a real conversation with her is when the both of us went to get our driving license together. We bonded instantly, there is not a pause throughout the conversation. She told me of all her insecurities, how she really wants a boyfriend, how she wants to travel the world and explore the world. Jacqueline was a girl with wild dreams, big goals, very passionate, adventurous, and very very spontaneous. She was always so excited when we talked about road trips and she’s up to almost everything. That’s when I realised we had a lot in common, and maybe one day we could achieve all these together.

We get closer to each other as the day passed and we became close friends eventually. I love her a lot. I always love hanging out with her, being around her. I love how she always says she loves me in the middle of a conversation. She loved Nutella, and she loved watching horror movies, there was once we went to watch horror movies in the cinema for 3 days straight, though she usually uses her shawl to cover up her eyes for almost every scare scenes. She loved her family a lot and that includes every member of the house which includes Vincci, her pet dog. She loved her relatives, and she loved her friends. She was always very generous in buying presents for her family and friends. She was thoughtful, caring, funny, she was like an angel sent from heaven to spread happiness among us all. She always made me forget of every unhappy things for a while.  

One of Jacqueline’s best traits was that she always lived her life to the fullest and loved to laugh and smile. We had a lot of plans together. Travelling to Gold Coast in the middle of June before she and Xin Dee continue their studies in the United States. And that I’ll meet them there this year end to celebrate Christmas together and they’ll come to visit me in the United Kingdom few years after.

 

It was incredibly sad that Jacqueline’s life ended so soon and I cannot put into words how much I will miss her. I’m really glad to have known her, and I really want her to be by my side for the rest of my life. I couldn’t imagine what it will be like in the future without her cheerful presence. I even collapsed a few times thinking that I could never be truly happy again. But Jacqueline is a positive person and she would not want us to be sad today. I’d like to believe that she’s safe in heaven, and she’s safe with Him. I’d like to believe that there is a reason why she left us, that there is a greater plan ahead that we might not understand. It isn’t possible to put into words the importance of our friendship, how much I valued her and how much Jacqueline meant to me. She positively influenced my life in so many ways and I will miss her with all my heart. Jacqueline, thank you for your friendship, I will miss you forever and never forget all the times we spent together. Till we meet again.